Man. I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling like 1,000 emotions all at one time, and it's hard for me to differentiate between them. I'm excited about going to Madrid again, making new friends, having lots of fun, learning Spanish better...but at the same time I'm equally if not more nervous about exactly the same things. I'm nervous about finding a job. I know I CAN find one, I am just not looking forward to pounding the pavement at ALL. What about my roommates? Now I feel stupid for not asking Jose who they are. Though..it really doesn't make any difference. I doubt Jose would put me with anyone creepy or old, but you never know. I just do NOT want a repeat of what happened last time...that whole situation with my roommates was really, really awful in a way I had never experienced before. I don't think I can ever look at myself the same way after that.

But I mean come on, the odds of having another situation like that are pretty slim. At least I hope. I THINK I'm pretty easy to get along with..but I'm not really sure about that actually. I don't understand myself and how I behave sometimes. This time, I need to put out a real effort to be friendly and accomodating and understanding right from the beginning. It's important to start off on the right foot with these people. Man, it would be so cool if I ended up staying with people I really liked..people I could be friends with, people who like to go out to the same types of places as I do. Andrea is a good friend, but she' s not a partier. I'm not a huge partier either, but I often like to go along if other people are planning something. And I like to have people around who will want to come with me when I'm trying to plan something myself.

I'm just so NERVOUS. I don't know how it's going to turn out. You would think I would be less nervous this time than last time, since I know the city and know the ropes a bit. But I don't know, it almost seems like that's what's making me so nervous. Because I know how difficult it could turn out to be. I want this year to be better than last year. Considering the fact that last year was not all that great..there were definitely some major problems -- it seems like it wouldn't be that hard for this year to be better. Well, I certainly hope so anyway. I just don't know. There are so many unknowns.

And I am so lonely. I hate admitting it. I'm not sure if I've even said it out loud yet. But I am so loney right now! What am I doing this for? Why do I keep leaving the few people I love in search of something different? I want a partner so badly. I want someone who wants to hug me all the time, who I can lay on top of and hear his heart beat. Someone' s mouth to touch. Someone who will listen to all my daily crap. God, I want that so much! You wouldn't think it would be so fucking difficult to find.

I wish I weren't so shy. I've wished this my entire life, and yet I still am. I am terrified to talk to people I don't know, and it keeps me from getting what I want. I keep planning on trying to do better, and then I don't. What is holding me back? I almost feel like it's a physical entity. The physical entity is probably myself.

I'm so nervous. I can't focus, I can't think. I don't know what to do with myself. I just need to get there, get there get there..fill in some of these blanks in my mind right now. It's all the blanks that are driving me crazy. It's driving me crazy! AAAH!